Like Silk Blowing in the Wind

I have been taking stock of my life lately. I'm told that's what people do when they are dying, but I thought it a point to do it while I'm in fairly good health and there might still be time to change a few things.

Winning the global lottery of where being born makes me lucky. Norway is rich country, we have water, we have food, there are jobs still. We are all together quite well off. It feels somewhat strange to demand things of life when so many people have so very little. I also got into medical school, where there seem to be plenty of alpha animals intent on trying to save the world (by hopping on a plane). I'm not sure I'm one of them. If I get to finish, I want to work with drug addicts and illegal immigrants. That is, if I find the energy to finish. Now there is no energy.

There are many things to sort out. My mother is ill again, it is the fifth time we have serious illness in the family since I started med school, I have to say that 18 hours of work every week, med school and all that illness has just taken all the energy there is. There are financial issues as well, in Norway you get eight years of student loan, and you do not get a new round of government funded student loan even if you have paid back the previous one in full. I have three and a half years left (thankfully I worked when writing my Cand.philol. thesis), and there might even not be that, as I have taken breaks due to the illness in the family. There is the option of a house loan, but that takes some time getting used to. Anyhow, I can't work like I have, if I want to finish my studies.

Yesterday, I cleaned out old drawers in my mother's flat. It is strange, I got to know so much I didn't want to know. She has been ill for a long time and before her my father was ill for years and years. I threw out two grocery bags of old medication (pharmacies take care of old medication here, thankfully) -- among so many other things. I found four very beautiful knitted jackets, partly finished and a pair of unfinished mittens.

So I'm considering what I want out of life. Right now I just want to quit school and start working in a flower shop for a couple of years -  live, exercise, play with Ola the guinea pig and see my family and friends. Unfortunately this is not a good solution. I'm tired. Some people seem so consistent. I feel like silk blowing in the wind - somewhat delicate, no real direction.

There are also the diet questions I try to sort out. I worry about the world, about animal welfare. I do not like those silly low carb diets! It is difficult to eat meat when you guinea pig has just slept on your stomach.

I have to buy this year's nasturtium seeds now. Simple to grow, that's a start.